


Scientists and Skeletons and Mutants, Oh My!

by CaffieneKitty



Category: The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2001), Torchwood
Genre: B-Movies, Case Fic, Crack, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Jack Harkness Flirts, M/M, Other, Torchwood Series 1, yes it's supposed to be like that, you don't need to have heard of or seen The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra to read this but spoilers maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-16
Updated: 2009-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 04:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffieneKitty/pseuds/CaffieneKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not all skeletons are in closets, and a surprisingly small percentage of them want to rule the world.</p><p> </p><p>  <span class="small">Wiki link for anyone wanting to know about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lost_Skeleton_of_Cadavra">The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.</a></span></p>
            </blockquote>





	Scientists and Skeletons and Mutants, Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** Oh yes. I disclaim this. As one does in a disclaimer. With great and disclaimful disclaiming.  
>  _A/N:_ Regarding the [Lost Skeleton of Cadavra](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307109/). Do not play any drinking game requiring you to drink whenever any variation of the word science is used, you will die of alcohol poisoning about 15 minutes in. That or drown.
> 
>  
> 
> _Originally posted on Livejournal August 16, 2009_

"Feels weird being on the right side of the car and not driving. Every time I look at the map I feel like I'm going to run us off the road."

Captain Jack Harkness drove along an unmarked American back road. "Don't get used to it, Owen, we're only here briefly."

"Yeah," Gwen volunteered from behind Jack. "Soon you'll be back on the left-hand side of the car and not driving."

"Ha bloody ha," said Owen, still poring over the map. "Don't see why we all had to come to the US. Can't we leave it to those X-files loonies?"

"That's fiction, Owen," said Ianto, nearly in Owen's ear.

"There's got to be something like us here though. Isn't there an American Torchwood? Or what about UNIT? They're international."

"Much as I love a man in a red beret," said Captain Jack, "this is personal."

Owen looked up at Jack. "And we're going along on your personal mission in a foreign country because...?"

"So," said Jack, changing the topic again, as he had been since they left Cardiff. "What have we got, team?"

Wedged between Ianto and Gwen in the back seat of the rented Chrysler Sebring, Tosh flipped through websites on her laptop. "Legends of skeletons bent on world domination, possible more recent alien mutant activity-"

Gwen shuffled a stack of police reports. "-mutilated farm animals, meteor sightings with notably unmeteorlike movement-"

"-and odd behavior reported regarding the locals." Owen kept his head bent over the map. "Doctors in nearby cities think there may be something in the water supply. Drugs, parasites..."

"Right. No one drinks the water 'til we can get it tested."

Ianto stared out the window, squinting. "Is it just me or did everything just get... desaturated?"

"What?"

"Sort of grey and colourless. A bit like everything's suddenly made of cheap cardboard."

"What? Are you writing poetry again?"

"No." Ianto shook his head. "It's nothing. Probably me. Eyes went funny."

"Jetlag," Owen muttered.

"So, if we keep following this road we're heading into...?"

Owen peered at the map. "Dead something canyon. Or Doomed something cavern."

"Which is it?"

"I'm not sure. GPS has gone tits up in this bloody rental and someone's spilled coffee on the map. Not looking at anyone in particular, _Ianto._ "

Ianto slumped lower into his seat. "Sorry. Not my day."

"Right. Never mind." Captain Jack peered at the road ahead. "Ooo! There's a man in uniform, let's ask him."

Jack pulled the car up to a man in a Forest Ranger uniform standing by the side of the road.

"Hello, strangers! I'm Ranger Brad. I hope that I can help you in my Ranger-like capacity with any questions you may have about the forest of which I am a Ranger and the horribly mutilating horrible mutilations we've been having lately, which I hope will not prevent you from enjoying your visit, here, where we are having horrible mutilations."

The Torchwood crew stared at the smiling man blankly for a second or two before Captain Jack spoke.

"...erm. Yeah. So about these mutilations?"

"They're horrible." Ranger Brad looked manfully concerned.

"Yeah. I think you already said that. When did they start?"

"Right around the time that meteor fell from the sky. In a burst of light. Like a meteor. Or a big light, falling from the-"

Jack held up a hand. "Okay, we get it. Do you know where exactly the meteor fell?"

"No, but I heard from the Farmer - before he was horribly mutilated - that there's a man of science at the cabin in Death's Clearing, off the Path of Staring Skulls. He might know, with his science."

"Of course he would," muttered Ianto.

"Death's Clearing. Sounds like a lovely spot for a vacation," quipped Gwen.

"So does Aberafan," muttered Ianto, still squinting out the window.

"Precisely."

"Excuse me," Tosh piped, waving at the Ranger from the back seat. "There's also supposed to be a sort of skeleton thing in a cavern somewhere around here. D'you know where we could find that?"

"Oh, the old legends of the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra?"

"Yes."

Ranger Brad's brow furrowed. "You don't believe in those old legends, the old legends of the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, do you?"

"All legends have a source," Tosh said reasonably.

"Well, I'm positive that the source of our legend isn't a lost evil psychic Skeleton bent on world domination and making random alien women his bride." Ranger Brad nodded.

Silence fell in the car again.

"You're certain we can't just shoot him, Jack?" Gwen muttered.

"Come now. That wouldn't be nice."

"Look, mate," Owen said, leaning down to speak to the ranger beside Jack's window, "could you just point out the cabin and the cave on the map?"

"Why certainly! As a Ranger, in the forest, I know everything there is to know about maps, of forests, of which I am a Ranger of." The uniformed man took the map Owen handed out the window past Jack and examined it as though it was a newspaper.

"Is he a robot?" Captain Jack murmured over his shoulder toward Tosh.

"Is he broken?" Ianto added.

Tosh looked down at her scanner. "His readings are human."

"Hunh."

Ranger Brad handed the map back to Owen, pointing as he spoke. "The cabin that meteor scientist is staying at is there. You'll need to get out and walk after The Devil's Fence, and then head on into the valley known as the Cathedral of Lost Souls, 'till you get to-

"We'll find it, thanks."

"And the cave?"

"If you keep on-"

"Hoosht!" said Owen, putting a finger to his lips and holding out the map. "Don't talk. Just point."

Ranger Brad pointed to the middle of the coffee stain.

"Right. Thanks."

-

Ianto, Gwen and Owen trudged up the path to the quaint cabin. "When this area gets developed for housing, there's going to be some really cheerful neighborhoods."

"I dunno," Ianto said. "I can think of a great many people who might like to live on a road called 'Staring Skulls Way' or an estate called 'Death Clearing'."

"Yeah. Undertakers and punk rock bands." Owen bounded up the stairs to the door and knocked.

The door swung open revealing a man with white hair and clothes from Leave it to Beaver. Owen opened his mouth to say something, but never had a chance.

"Welcome to our cabin of science!" the man exclaimed. "Come in! Betty! We have visitors!"

The Torchwood crew looked at each other, collectively shrugged and stepped into the cabin. "And you are...?"

"I am Dr. Paul Armstrong. I study science, scientifically, with my science equipment."

Haplessly giving the benefit of the doubt, Gwen volunteered, "Sort of a meta-science, then? The science of science?"

Dr. Armstrong chuckled heartily. "No, no. The science of meteors."

"Wouldn't that be..."

Ianto muttered, "Meteoricist, exogeologist, planetary-"

"Yes! Science!" Dr. Armstrong exclaimed. "It's very sciencey. This is my wife Betty."

A woman swirled in from the kitchen in a full skirt and a vague expression of befuddlement. "Hi! I don't understand these science things with my silly little unscientific female brain."

Gwen raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest. "Oh _really_? Is that so?"

Owen developed a coughing fit. Ianto tried to keep his expression bland and neutral but was certain he actually looked stuffed.

"My heavens, yes! I don't know how Paul does it, thinking science thoughts about science all day."

Dr. Armstrong nodded. "I'm a scientist, science is what I do."

Owen held up his hands and closed his eyes. "Now, I'm hoping here, really hoping... you two wouldn't happen to be aliens trying to imitate Earth culture, and just _totally_ bolloxing it up?"

Betty clutched at her pearls. "My stars, no!"

"Aliens! That's absurd, and unscientific!"

"Not that I would know with my unscientific brain that's incapable of understanding science, right dear?"

The couple laughed for twenty-seven seconds. Ianto timed it. It was either that or shoot them both and as Jack had said, that wouldn't be a polite thing to do in a foreign country. Although he wasn't certain it wouldn't be doing the United States a favour in this case.

Gwen looked like her head might explode. That was never a good thing.

Ianto spoke up. "Dr. Armstrong. We're trying to find a meteor."

"Well! You've come to the right person, as I am both a man of science as a scientist and an expert in meteors. I believe this meteor that fell recently, as meteors do, is made from Atmospherium-"

"Atmos-what?" Owen said, squinting.

"Atmospherium. It will bring great scientific advances to the field of science!"

"Atmospherium isn't an element," muttered Gwen, arms still crossed.

"Oh, now, don't be silly!" said Betty, patting Gwen on the arm. "It's too sciencey for our-"

"Now look, you." Gwen pointed a finger at the young woman's nose. "If you say one _bloody_ thing about the female brain being incapable of anything, I will have to hurt you."

Ianto cleared his throat. "Gwen."

" _What_ Ianto?"

"Just thought you'd like a reminder that we _are_ trying to help these people."

"Fine." Gwen clenched her teeth. "Betty, was it?"

"Yes?"

"When we've got this all sorted out, you, me and Tosh are going to find the nearest pub, have a few pints and a long talk about self-actualization or something, yeah?"

Betty looked dubious. "Well, alright, but that sure sounds like science. Maybe Paul should come with-"

"No! No, no. No Paul. Just us girls."

Betty beamed. "Gee, that sounds swell! We can swap pudding recipes!"

Gwen smacked herself in the forehead. "God."

"Come on, Gwen. We're obviously not getting anywhere here. Maybe Jack and Tosh are having more luck with the local 'mad skeleton' legend."

-

After a moderately steep clamber up a drab, scrubby hill, Jack and Tosh reached the cave.

"This'll be it, Tosh, stay outside with the scanner."

Tosh set down her equipment case on a level part of the slope. "All right," she said, mildly puzzled.

Jack stooped low and went all of five feet into the cave before he found a skeleton half-covered with a chunk of old canvas. He grinned and rapped on the skull.

"Hey there, boney butt! You've lost weight!"

/You! No!/ The voice came from everywhere and nowhere, and sounded a bit like Christopher Lee with an American accent and a head cold.

Jack grinned broadly. "Me! Yeah!"

/Oh no./ Jack got the distinct impression that if the skeleton was capable of movement, it would be facepalming. /What are you doing here?!/

"Figured I'd stop by, make sure you were behaving, which I see you aren't. Naughty, naughty." Jack smirked.

/Go away! You are not a part of my plan!/

"Aw, Skelly! I'm hurt! It's been, what, a century?" Jack squatted beside the Skeleton and looked it up and down. "I've gotta say, the years have not done you any favours."

/Why? Why have you come here, and why now?/

"Oh, I think you know why."

/Oh come on! What's a little global domination and mind control? I'm bored!/

"I'm talking about the other thing."

/You'll have to be more specific than that, Jack, for I am great and powerful and capable of many evil-/

"Tell me about the 'meteor'."

/It's made of Atmospherium and will bring me to life./

Jack lowered his chin and stared the skeleton in the eye-sockets. "Sorry, I meant the non-bullshit version."

The skeleton sighed, somehow, despite a complete lack of lungs. /It's the power core of a passing ship./

"Telekinetically ripping the fuel source out of a spaceship? That's not very nice."

/I told you, I was _bored!_ It's not my fault if passing spaceships aren't shielded against long-range telekinesis! You don't know what it's like, being stuck in one place for hundreds of years, undying, unable to move or do anything./

Jack felt an odd shiver, as though someone had just walked over his grave, which was odd, because he hadn't exactly had a grave yet, and if things kept going along as they were, he never would.

He got another shiver and stopped thinking about graves.

"What about this whole-" Jack gestured expansively, taking in the cave and the valley outside, "-kitschy reality warp thing you've got going on."

/Oh, that. Do you like it?/

Jack wrinkled his nose and waggled his hand in the air. "Kind of cliche."

/More of an homage than a cliche, I thought. I don't have a lot to work with. The calibre of weak-minded fools in the area leaves much to be desired./

"Jack?" Tosh called from outside the cave mouth. "Should I be scanning for anything in particular, or just anomalous readings of any sort? I'm only asking because things in the cave where you are seem to be getting more anomalous by the second."

Jack raised an eyebrow at the skeleton. "Mind control? On me? Really?"

The omnipresent voice was chagrined. /I had to at least try. I'm so _bored!_ /

"As if you could." Jack turned and shouted over his shoulder. "Tosh!"

"Yeah?" Tosh's head appeared in the cave mouth. "Ooo, have we got a body, then?"

"Not really. Tosh, Skeleton. Skeleton, Tosh."

/Hello,/ the skeleton grumped.

Tosh blinked.

"Immortal psychic skeleton." Jack clarified. "Long boring story."

/That's an understatement./

"Oh," said Tosh. "Alright then. Hello."

"D'you think you could hook this cave up with a self-powering wi-fi connection? No alien tech."

"Probably." Tosh looked around the cave. "Need some signal boosters, reflectors, solar panels and such like, nothing I haven't got in the toolkit... yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Do it. Skeleton, behave."

/Must I?/ said the skeleton, woebegone.

"Yes."

"Ahoy the cave!" Owen's voice echoed around the scrubby valley outside.

Jack snagged the scanner and headed the few feet to the cave entrance. "You okay here, Tosh?"

Tosh flipped open a tool case. "Yep."

"Don't let him talk you into any crap."

"Don't worry," chirped Tosh, "I won't."

The skeleton made a rude noise that shouldn't have been possible without lips.

Jack smirked and left the cave, scrambling down the slope to meet the others.

"No luck with the scientist?"

"Not really, no," said Ianto. Owen smirked and Gwen glared at a random nearby tree.

"Okay then, Gwen, Owen," Jack handed Owen the scanner. "You two are going 'meteor' hunting. Ianto, you're with me. We've got some aliens to talk to."

-

"Flares. In silver. There's a fashion statement you don't see very often these days."

Behind Jack, Ianto snickered.

The aliens stood in front of their rocket-like spaceship, which despite having crash-landed was perfectly balanced on its landing pads and undamaged. It also appeared to be made from a gigantic cardboard tube.

"We do not understand," said the female alien.

The male alien moved his head in a nod-like fashion. "We are normal earth beings, just like you."

Jack grinned. "Yeaaaah, that's a bit closer to the truth than you probably intended. I bet you're really charming people when you aren't under this reality warp effect."

"Oh it is useless, my flywheel." The male turned to the female, dramatic eyebrows a-twitch. "They have discovered us. I am Kro-bar and this is Lattis. We are from the planet Marva."

"It sounds Marva-lous," Ianto murmured with a quiet smirk.

Lattis frowned. "We do not understand this strange Earth thing you call humour."

"Sorry. No punning with the aliens, Ianto."

"Right. Sorry."

"Marva, Marva..." Jack pondered. "Marvandroparadulong perhaps? Just past Zeb?"

"Is this not what we have conveyed to you with the breezings of our mouths?"

"Not quite, but you're under a reality warp so I wouldn't worry about it."

"Are we to be dissected now?" asked Kro-bar.

"Naw." Jack shrugged and stuck his hands in his trenchcoat pockets. "Not your fault for landing. Can't have the navicomp evade psychic skeletons you don't know are there. We'll find your power source, you can fix up your ship and get on your way."

"The Mutant!" gasped Lattis, looking at Kro-bar.

"We will have to catch the Mutant!" gasped Kro-bar. "It escaped! It could be out horribly mutilating-"

"Sorted!" called a voice from over the hill.

Ianto, Jack and the aliens turned to see a lightly scuffed Owen and Gwen with the multiple-eyed, tentacle-headed Mutant draped between them like a friend they were bringing home from the pub who'd had a few too many.

"Tranquilized," said Owen, waggling a hypodermic.

"No worse than a Weevil."

"Not as keen on eating your face though, this one. Took a right liking to you, Gwen." Owen leered.

"Did not," Gwen protested, blushing lightly.

Kro-bar and Lattis stepped forward and gathered the mutant up by its arms.

"Turns out he's got the same energy signature as-" Owen handed a glowing rock to Jack, "-your 'meteor'."

Jack turned and passed the glowing rock to Kro-bar and Lattis. "Your power source."

"This Earth thing called kindness, which on Marva we call 'blintigarch', speaks well for your planet," said Lattis, accepting the rock.

"Yeah, this is a bit atypical for us," said Ianto, scuffing a toe in the grey dirt.

"I'd suggest you get your ship fixed and gone before the reality warp in this area drops." Jack nodded towards their cardboard-looking ship. "It's the only thing that's kept the local authorities from finding you and shoving you into a bunker full of sharp diagnostic equipment somewhere."

Kro-bar looked at Lattis. Lattis looked at Kro-bar. "Oh."

"I also wouldn't advise visiting again. We're letting you off very easy considering your unique-eyed friend there's been on a murdering spree."

The mutant crooned tunelessly and drooled on Kro-bar.

"This is true. We shall repair and depart in haste."

The aliens dragged their semi-conscious mutant into the ship, the door juddering closed behind him.

"Now." Jack clapped his hands together and turned to the team. "We should go see how Tosh is doing with the skeleton."

-

Jack clambered up to Cadavra Cave and poked his head in.

"Are we live, Tosh?"

Tosh plucked a small probe from behind her ear and placed it back into the toolkit. "Yes, I've checked, there's good clear signal strength in here."

/Oh ho! What is this new energy you have brought into my cave?/

"Wireless broadband access to the internet, Skelly." Jack duck-walked over to squat beside the skeleton. "It's kind of like the incipient mind of the whole planet as a collective sentience."

"As long as that sentience is obsessed with pornography and silly photos of animals," said Ianto, lurking at the cave entrance

Jack raised an eyebrow. "It's humanity, Ianto."

"Yes, of course."

/So much data!/ the skeleton projected with glee.

Jack slapped the skeleton on the clavicle. "Welcome to the Internet, Skelly. Go join a forum or something."

/What a wondrous meeting of minds this is! And what is this? Face Book. Oh ho! I can re-contact my distant cousin, Bob! I will never be bored again! Bwahahaha!/

Jack raised a dubious eyebrow. "I wouldn't say never, but hopefully not bored enough to crash any more passing spaceships and alter reality. Incidentally, I'm letting it slide this time, but if you ever do this again, I'll turn you into a xylophone."

/Oh indeed./

-

"I would say that that tree is green," observed Ianto as the group walked back past the Armstrong cabin to where the rental car was parked.

"'Course it is," muttered Owen. "What other color would it be?"

"I just meant it seemed earlier... Never mind."

Jack smiled quietly, folding his hands behind his back as he walked. "Judging by the effect there shouldn't be a need to Retcon anyone; the memories won't remain once the effect ends."

They entered the clearing with the Armstrong's cabin. Dr. Armstrong and his wife were on the deck; Dr. Armstrong was frowning at a laptop, and Betty was wearing a bright red swimsuit, reading _Atlas Shrugged_ and drinking a large something with fruit in it. They looked up warily as the Torchwood crew trudged past.

"Halloo!" said Ianto with a cheery wave.

The Armstrongs waved back in a friendly, but non-inviting manner. "Hi."

"They'll be fine," said Jack, and the team kept walking.

\- - -  
(that's it)


End file.
